Emotional Abstinence: The Pain After A Separation

After a separation, emotional abstinence can occur. Ending a relationship is not easy, and the psychological suffering it can cause can be devastating to our brains.

The process is actually very similar to abstinence that drug addicts go through. It is a type of neurological chaos that is not easy to get out of. Everyone will in principle get to experience how it feels. Teenagers find out when they experience their first breakup or the pain of being dismissed.

Adults go through it too, and our lives suddenly feel meaningless when love ends, when someone is unfaithful. Or when we just become aware of the need to end a relationship without a future, or one that is simply too painful.

Letting go of the one we love hurts. We must get used to the person’s absence, accept that it’s over and rebuild our lives without the person in question. This is something most of us are not prepared for. But we do it, and doing it gives us inner strength.

But the real problem arises when, instead of turning leaves, we fall into an obsessed spiral, a vicious circle. Needing contact, asking for attention, crying for long periods: impossible love.

You may notice that this is a form of addiction. Emotional abstinence puts the affected person in a state of total vulnerability and extreme suffering.

Kalle is 30 years old and it was seven months since his girlfriend left him. He met Paula in high school when they were 16. They went to college together and eventually started a business together.

The last few years have been difficult, with debts, a business that did not go well and Paula’s depression over the project. All this began to affect the relationship. Although Kalle insisted on continuing, she ended up leaving him.

She explained clearly and sincerely why there were no other chances for them; that the relationship was over. But even with her explanations, Kalle continues to get in touch with her. Every day he looks at her social network and considers ways to run on her.

Kalle is not only obsessed with resuming the relationship. Even today he is unable to work or do anything. His emotional abstinence is so intense that he has become a shadow of his former self. He has become addicted to affection, stuck in a circle of anxiety and depression.

Let us now take a look at the character traits associated with this type of person.

One thing we should be clear about is that everyone is capable of suffering from emotional abstinence when a relationship ends. However, this is only part of the pain.

It is a chapter that should motivate us to start using smart, useful confrontation strategies. We must use our resources to make our path easier to walk and mature to get over the breakup.

• This psychological state of stagnant and constant suffering is common among people with low self-esteem. It is also common for people with high emotional dependence on their partner.

• Furthermore, another characteristic aspect of emotional abstinence is that the person is not convinced that the relationship is over. The individual is in denial.
• Anxious and obsessive behavior is another sign. The person cannot find himself in “zero contact”. He constantly finds excuses to call or run on the former partner.
• Equally important is the fact that addicted people cannot handle emotional pain. They do not have the tools to process it. They feel paralyzed and respond to suffering by searching for more opportunities.
• Finally, we must not forget all the complex, intense and exhausting symptoms that clearly affect this person’s health. There is insomnia, lack of appetite, difficulty concentrating, lack of interest in life, depression…

Kalle, the guy with a broken heart from our example, shows all the psychological and behavioral signs of emotional abstinence. In this case, he mainly needs the help of an expert and the right type of psychological treatment.

No one deserves to live in this kind of defenseless state. No one should have to get caught up in existential meaninglessness and a destructive state of emotional suffering.

Regardless of whether we are where Kalle is or is dealing with a break-up, it will be good to reflect on these strategies. They are fundamental things that we should always keep in mind.

• Emotional abstinence is completely normal within certain limits of intensity and length. However, we must let it pass. It is a state that should pass and pave the way for a more balanced, centered and stable state.

• We must accept our negative feelings. This applies to all of them: sadness, sadness, pain. They are all states that should pass sooner or later and turn into acceptance and victory.
• Having “zero” contact is fundamental in these cases. We are absolutely not allowed to have our ex-partner among our contacts on social media. It is the first step in disconnecting us from his life. It will prevent us from falling into the wrong kind of dynamic.
• Making decisions in our lives is rewarding. Something as simple as making new friends or looking for new hobbies will be very helpful. In this way we can “free our minds” and break the circle of obsession.

As we go through this process, we must not forget any important aspects. Do not forget your self-esteem, dignity, values ​​and goals. We should never look at a breakup as the doom of the world.

Instead, we should see it as the end of a chapter and the necessary start that will definitely mean good things for us. A new, stronger and even more beautiful version of ourselves.